Love Advice

I will never pretend to be an expert when it comes to love. If experience dictates expertise, what I know well is that matters of the heart can cloud our vision and skew our judgment.

I once had a crush on a guy who was horrible for me. I couldn’t see his shortcomings, only his charm and wit. He wasn’t an honest man, but he was gregarious and had confidence I wish I possessed.

When a dear friend questioned what I liked most about this guy, I listed his attributes.  He was well educated, confident and funny. When she asked how he made me feel; I realized that I mostly felt anxious and unworthy. This led me to question my attraction and I came to recognize my thoughts as delusional and my attraction as addiction (as defined by “wanting something that is not healthy for you.”)

My heart wanted to feel something and my brain twisted the truth to oblige. That’s how addiction works. The addicted piece of your world will find a way to deliver that thing that you’ve told yourself you need. In my case, I thought I needed love. What was delivered was anything but.

What I know now is that we have everything we need inside of ourselves to feel what we want to feel, but it takes commitment to do the work necessary to arrive at a healthier place. That journey begins with self-awareness and moves upward toward forgiveness and love.

With the upcoming celebration of Valentine’s Day, my wish is that the powerful perspectives reach a soul who may need to be reminded of his or her greatness. If I could, I would share with my younger self the following.

My hope is that above all else, you understand that you are lovable and loved. Love is not something you need to earn or prove.

My wish is that you engage with the world form a place of worthiness– of knowing that you matter. Live the truth of worthiness by practicing self-compassion and by embracing imperfection. Practice courage by showing up, letting yourself be seen, and honoring differences. Share your stories of struggle and strength and always make room in your life for both.

Teach compassion by practicing compassion with yourself first. Set and respect boundaries; honor hard work, hope and perseverance; and tolerate differences of thought, appearance, and world views.

Learn accountability and respect by allowing yourself to make mistakes — and make amends.

Be self-aware by seeking to understand, rather than judge. Surround yourself with people who appreciate every part of you.

To know joy, practice gratitude. To feel joy, learn how to be vulnerable and move through fear.

I don’t wish for you pain, but accept that it is a part of life. Celebrate those who will allow you the gift of finding your own way through it so you may know your own strength. Because you are stronger than you think.

Be yourself. Life is a gift and is filled with perfect imperfections. Live with authenticity and speak your truth (even if others disagree) so that you may know trust.